make me into anything, but just love me.

I wish I could explain how I feel with beautiful sentences. I feel so much, and think of perfectly sincere ways of explaining these feelings but when it comes to writing them down I can never seem to find the words.

I visited Chicago this weekend with Stacy. It was a great experience. We got the chance to go to our old friend Tim's going away party. Him and his girlfriend are going to work on a garden/farm thing for free room and board and three meals a day without pay in Hawaii. It's only for six months but, what a crazy life experience. I imagine it's going to be completely beautiful. At the party we also got to see some of our old friends whom I haven't seen in a few years. I got to see my friend Mason who although I have not seen in about six years we've still kept in contact quite often. He was one of my favorite parts of the trip, it's amazing to me how long you can go without seeing someone, and it seem as though it's only been a few days. City life just excites me. Stacy and I were taking trains and taxis to get around everywhere and our friends take red train lines, brown lines and green lines everywhere and they had their little stops where they lived and the cute shops that aligned the tree covered streets. I wish that was my life. I tell myself it will be, but I worry I'm all talk. I couldn't help but imagine my life there, sitting at my favorite coffee shop, not owning a car, understanding train schedules and transfers, hanging out at the bar until 4am, enjoying insane views of man made things. The feeling of living in a place like that ignites a spark inside my heart.

Don't haunt this heart,
Don't haunt this place,
Your heart beating slow as it beats out a pace,
West side apartment grows lonely and dark,
West side apartment is two more empty hearts.

I see your keys hanging in the same place,
They haven't moved for a month or even a day,
This was hard it was fun,
We should do it again,
Give ourselves some time,
Ten years for the day.

I need you now,
I need you then,
I never want to feel this again,
Separate the room with painful divides,
Until there's nothing left to remind.

Never want to see you again,
I never want to feel this again,
Turn off the locks,
All the pitfalls night,
'Till I find something you left behind.

And the things we never had,
And the things we wish would come back,
Because we need this oh so bad,
Because we need this oh so bad.

And we tremble in the night,
For the things we're wishing were right,
Because we need this oh so bad,
Because I need you oh so bad.

Don't haunt this heart,
Don't haunt this place,
Your heart beating slow as it beats out a pace,
West side apartment grows lonely and dark,
West side apartment is two more empty hearts.

I want to hurt,
I want to betray,
It's not like me to make your heart break,
This was hard it was fun we should do it again,
Give ourselves some time ten years for the day.

And the things we never had,
And the things we wish would come back,
Because we need this oh so bad,
Because we need this oh so bad.

And we tremble in the night,
For the things we're wishing were right,
Because we need this oh so bad,
Because I need you oh so bad.

Don't haunt this heart,
Don't haunt this place,
Your heart beating slow as it beats out a pace,
West side apartment grows lonely and dark,
West side apartment is two more empty hearts.

I know it's right I know it's okay,
And I'd like to see you now and again,
This was hard it was dumb we should do it again,
Give ourselves some time ten years from the day

Melissa was talking me about Tim today and the way she was describing why they work so well together, and how wonderful they make each other feel warmed my heart. I love love because of the power it has over a person to make everything about them smile while they're talking about the person they care about.


Why am I so damaged? Why am I so troubled, girl? I don't know how long I can hold on if it's gunna be like this forever.

i've probably smoked too many cigarettes today. for kaylyn's 22nd birthday melissa, kay, justine and myself all canoed for three hours. definitely wished it was for longer. there truly is nothing like sitting on a river in a canoe surrounded by your best friends to make you more than glad to be breathing. my feet are freezing while i sit in my florida room smoking yet another cigarette typing this. after canoeing we all went to the drive-in in justine's mini van. the last time i went to the drive-in i saw the first transformers so it seemed fitting that i'd be seeing the second one there as well.

i have to start doing more productive things. i am capable of so much, but i waste my time with nothing. i hate to work because i never like to miss anything, but my soul aches to travel. without work and making money, i can't travel. i wish i could look at my city, and my life from an outside perspective. like everything was completely new to me. i'd like to see and experience my surroundings for the first time.

i've been listening to blood bank by bon iver the past couple of days. the first time i heard it, i honestly cried. i think its absolutely beautiful. his voice is so warm and smooth. i wish i wrote songs.

so! idk how i feel about writing my personal business on my blog (wwww.hmyesok.blogspot.com), so maybe i'll start up my livejournal again.

i was just browsing through old journal entries, and its astonishing how much emotion i poured into my old entries about josh. to be honest, reading them made my heart ache a little bit. although i encountered the worst amounts of pain i have ever received emotionally, i'm okay with it. i am allowed to walk away with the experience, and a story to tell.

i've finished my first year of interior design classes, and i absolutely love it. it definitely is the most work i've done over the past three years of college but -- i welcome it. my year living with stacy and kaylyn was wonderful, i'll forever miss that apartment and that sectional. i now just live with kaylyn and our new place is shaping up to be pretty gorgeous. we've got a sun room, which i'm currently sitting in. i spend a lot of time sitting in this room feeling content, drinking coffee.

very unexpectedly i've snagged myself a boyfriend. he's very sweet to me. i'm pretty stressed, worried, and loud most of the time -- he's pretty calm, cool, collected, and quiet. i like him. it's nice not to be so alone. i've always held out the hope for something better.

i'm also blonde again.

that could quite possibly be it. oh! and i'm dying for a vacation. summer as FLOWN by, annnnd i may have had more fun last summer.

so, livejournal, i cheated on you, i sold out and i'm sorry.

http://hmyesok.blogspot.com/

check it out, i update it often, and i post beautiful pictures i find. i still have mad love for livejournal, i just felt it was time for a change.

http://hmyesok.blogspot.com/


check it out.



i hope everyones well. <3

I will send you the world, green and blue, in a box through the mail.
You can open it up, hold it right in your hand,
and be glad that it's there, and be glad that you're there.
Now, you can feel all the knots in your stomach start to untie,
and suddenly it's not so hard to say you're all right.

it was in the back of a taxi when you told me you loved me, and that i wasn't alone.

I forget the world exists when you’re around
The cure to my misanthropic ideals
Thoughts of you linger and multiply in my head
Like surround sound,
With you beside me, my heart starts and heals

The voice that calms my worries
Your eyes draw my fears into regression
and thwart the pain so I’m at ease
With all these thoughts comes a confession

You’ll never know how you save me
Afraid that I’m not good enough for you
I’ll stand at a distance and watch you shine
Perfection in its purest essence, just not worthy
Of even your presence

My heart gets the best of me sometimes,
But this time I’ll learn my lesson from the past
You’ll stay a friend by the fate that I decided
I’d rather keep you around to give me some hope
That there is difference in the mass

Maybe you might feel the same
I’d rather the truth be a mystery
I’m tired of my heart being torn again and again
We could be perfect for each other,
Yet I fear a repeat of history

You’ll never know how you save me
Afraid that I’m not good enough for you
I’ll stand at a distance and watch you shine
Perfection in its purest essence, just not worthy
Of even your presence

Maybe one day you’ll see
look in my eyes and i'll show you
what you mean to me
I wont spell it for you
It’s up to you to figure it out

You’ll never know how you save me
Afraid that I’m not good enough for you
I’ll stand at a distance and watch you shine
Perfection in its purest essence, just not worthy
Of even your presence

i am so happy. first day of classes went so well. it's so refreshing to be learning about stuff that i will one day being paid to do, stuff that i am unbelievably eager to learn about.

it's blizzarding in michigan once again, how shocking.
i desperately miss arizona weather, and friends. i can say arizona opened my eyes up to a lot of things, those being: cacti, mig, people having orange trees freely growing in their front yards, abundance of palm trees, spicy pickle, being able to legally ride in the beds of trucks, maxes backyard and fry's.

annd just for funsies, kay and i decided to eat a few shrooms tonight. then continued to paint the dining room with acrylic paint, turn every light in the apartment on, put on seven layers of clothing, and leave playdough sitting out everywhere.


i think this year is going to be pretty okay. my new years resolution is to be so much more productive in every area in my life, stop talking about things and do them.

:)

it gets better. it still hurts sometimes, but not as much as it ever did before. each time it hurts a little less. but i feel like the pain is good, its good to see them happier without you, because it hurts you enough to keep you going. it hurts less and less each time. slowly you forget how it felt to be happy with them, you create new memories that no longer involve them. the hole you feel slowly heals itself, not as it once was -- but better, stronger even. no matter how horribly bad anything hurts, you will not hurt forever. life finds a way to make you happy again.


so this is the new year, and i welcome it with open arms.


i write this while snuggled in maxes bed in arizona with beautiful weather and great company.

i am now 21, a legal adult and i start the interior design program this semester.



it gets better.

Drove up to hillside manor sometime after two a.m. and talked a little while about the year.
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower, makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her.
And its been a long december and theres reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last.

Thought I'd cry for you forever
But I couldn't so I didn't
People's children die and they don't even cry forever
Thought I'd see your face in my mind for all time
But I don't even remember what your ears looked like

And the clock still strikes midnight and noon
And the sun still rises and so does the moon
Birds still migrate south and people move on
Even though I'm no longer in your arms
Thought the mountain would crumble
And the rivers would bend
But I thought all wrong and the world did not end
Guess the maps will just have to stay the same for a while
Didn't even need therapy to rehabilitate my smile
Rehabilitate my smile

Thought I'd cry for you forever
But I couldn't so I didn't.

so as most of you midwesterners know, it snowed a shit ton over the past couple of days. and i'd just like to share that yesterday before i could make the short treck to work in my champagne colored saturn bby i had to shovel about three feet of snow off of it with two spatculas. awful. got covered in snow, lost feeling in my fingers. terrible time. anyway, fuck you snow.

let me just say that having your septum pierced and having a terrible case of the sniffles / can't even breathe via your nose is probably the worst thing possible. in case you were at all curious.

when i'm at work and i see happy couples, i can't help but smile. love makes me so happy. it's so exciting. i'm in no rush, but, i really can't wait to be in love again. it's the best thing in the entire world. granted, i could do without the heartbreak and all the pain that accompanies relationships sometimes, but if the good is real good, i can deal with it. it makes me feel good knowing that it will come again, maybe in 2 weeks, maybe 2 months, maybe 3 years. in the mean time i'm just after a good time, good friends, and laughs. maybe some snuggles in between. especially some good snuggles in between, theres nothing better than being so close to someone you can feel them breathing. mmmm.



that's all.







oh and, stacy and i are going to go see ryan adams / oasis tonight! :) :)

so, i've decided that i am now okay with my entries no longer being friends only. i figure i have nothing to hide really, not that i ever update.

life is going pretty okay. November was a pretty horrible month. great people were lost (and will forever be in our hearts), and relationships were ended. i've been doing my best to be everyones crutch, i just wish i could make everyone happier. aside from the sadness and heartbreak my closest have been going through -- i can honestly say i'm pretty happy with everything in my own life, for the most part.

stacy got a new tattoo that says 'i can't save you, but i will love you.' and i think its absolutely beautiful.<3

this terrible year is almost coming to a close, and i happily bid it a due. it's been emotionally straining, annoying, and i'm over it. 2009, i welcome you with an optimistic mind and open arms. come to me.

I can be a very good girl -- just not when it comes to things like this. You think I'm gonna let you rock my world with just one kiss, one really good kiss. We could stand here til I say let's go, but you say wait. But I don't wanna put my heart through the windshield just to watch it break. We try to stop as if we can. We know we gotta, know we gotta cool this warming trend. I guess our little hands had other plans. We make the rules and then they just bend them. I'm all right. I made it out alive all alone; then you run me off the road, and I don't even come close to minding. I don't even come close to minding. I'm up to my eyes or out the door. I never do anything halfway. So we're gonna do this thing your way; I'll do my best to not want more. And I don't mean to flatter myself, but everything I touch turns to shit. If there's one thing that I do well, that would probably be it.

Poke at my iris, why can't I cry about this?
Maybe there is something that you know that I don't?

We adopt a brand new language, communicate through pursed lips,
You try not to put on any sexy clothes or graces.

I might never catch a mouse and present in my mouth
And make you feel you're with someone who deserves to be with you.

But there's one thing we've got going and it's the only thing worth knowing.
It's got lots to do with magnets and the pull of the moon.

Why won't our love keel over as it chokes on a bone?
We can mourn its passing and then bury it in snow.

Or should we kick its cunt in and watch as it dies from bleeding.
If you don't want to be with me just say and I will go.

Well we can change our partners this is a progressive dance,
But remember it was me who dragged you up to the sweaty floor.

Well this has been a real...
I've got shin-splints and a stitch from weed
But like a drunken night it's the best bits that are coloured in

Should look through some old photos I adored you in every one of those.
If someone took a picture of us now they'd need to be told that we had ever clung on tight and maybe not with arms at night.
I'd say she was his sister but she doesn't have his nose.

And now we're unrelated and rid of all the shit we hated,
But I hate when I feel like this and I never hated you.

she worried way too much what people thought of her, wore her heart on her sleeve, expected too much from people, and got hurt too easily. she kept other peoples secrets like a champ, but told her own too fast. she expected the world not to cheat her, and was always surprised when it did.